Seasonal S & M

Our house has cable that we don't pay for (not as badass as it sounds, our landlord foursome is giving us some weird internet deal, but i DO have a rebellious cable-thieving past thanks to Nick Zappas' wiring talents) and the TV (we also didn't pay for, because my older sister's hairy Indian friend who coined the term "anal apple" left it here for us) has become our kryptonite (probably because I don't think any of us have cable at our real homes, so we can finally have normal childhoods and stay up and watch MTV like the cool kids at school).

ANYWAY, since our daily 10pm viewings of America's Funniest Home Videos have ceased (we're still mad about the schedule change, channel 9) nothing has really stepped up to fulfill the very dark hole the lack of AFV (and ANTM) has left in my heart.  

But that has changed today.

"Holiday in Handcuffs" Starring Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Heart is the story of Trudie, a waitress who has a lot of pressure from her parents to bring home a boyfriend, but her boyfriend dumps her because she's a loser, then she goes crazy and kidnaps David from her restaurant.

KILLER LINES THUS FAR:

Trudie's father on how she hadn't brought home a boy before, and he thought she was a lesbian:

"We were worried she may be more into 'innies' than 'outies' if you know what I mean"

Trudie's grandmother entering the house: "My ta-tas are freezing!"

Pervy old man at the gas station who gave Trudie furry handcuffs when he saw david blindfolded and tied up in her car, responding to David after David tries to explain that he was kidnapped: "And she tied you up?  And she spanked you?  And you were bad?" (while thrusting his pelvis, licking his lips and doing spanking motions)

Trudie: "Being a Democrat is not a cause, daaad"

Trudie's mom on Trudie being a loser as a kid: "We even paid a little boy down the street to be her friend, but he gave us our money back."

Rachel just turned the TV off.  I'll never know how it ends.  But I'll always have my fantasies, and she definitely CANNOT turn those off, no matter how hard she tries...thoughts of Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez' bunkbed captor/captive nighttime tensions will keep me sizzling through this long long Portland winter (IT'S SNOWING HERE).