Where Simona Zappas at??

Marika, this is sorta like how your birthday post made me feel. Like I was strangling a pussy on camera and it was great. I MISS YOU A LOT AND WISH YOU COULDA BEEN THERE ON MY BIRTHDAY.

So apparently Facebook can predict the future, uh oh!!! This is kinda weird dudes...Facebook told me I was gonna write on someone's wall before I even did it..."Carrie Battan wrote at 1:56 am TOMORROW"


This blog entry sucks. I ate more food than should be humanly possible this weekend. I met a really lame tennis instructor who wears zip-up sweaters and he won't stop calling and texting me. I saw "He's Just Not That Into You" last night and I liked it. I don't remember the last time I took a shower.

OSCAR LIVE BLOG

Number of Sister Act jokes said by Whoopi Goldberg: two (including a Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit reference!)

Keep it real, Goldberg.  You're doing me proud.

(happy birthday carrie...even though your day is OV-ER in paree)

UPDATE: There is some kind of 'Romance Montage,' and High School Musical has been shown in it at least three times.  Also featured: The Incredible Hulk, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Marley and Me.  It ended with a "kiss" between Wall-E and that bitchy white robot he likes.

UPDATE #2: WHY IS THE ACADEMY AWARDS SO HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL FOCUSED? This 'Musicals Montage' is making me want to die.

Fo Yo B-Day

At this moment, as the twenty-first anniversary of her entrance into the world draws upon us, Carrie is undoubtedly aggressively grinding against unattractive and unconsenting thirty-year-old French club-goers.
To document this momentous occasion, here are twenty-one pictures of our very own Carrie B. doin what she does best:




















HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARRIE "I CAN SMELL MY VAG FROM MY HEAD" "LET'S GET OUR MUSTACHES RIPPED OFF BY ASIAN WOMEN" "LEE" BATTAN.
get drunk. get laid. get pregnant.
get $$$.

Home Alone!!

I just went to the bathroom and accidentally peed a little bit on my dress.  Am I going to do anything about it? No.

I have a song from the freecreditreport.com commercials stuck in my head (did you know they're a real band that does real band things?!)

I am now watching my new favorite show (TODDLERS AND TIARAS) and "doing homework."

What do you think of the gray background?

1. yes

2. no

3. NO

4. you're a goddess.

ca$hin in my V-card

hi. it has been as long time. let me explain. please.

my mom decided to spur of the moment come to portland for a grand total of 5 hours on friday. immediately after she left, my computer went weird and all it would show me was a folder with a question mark. these two events may or may not be related. as a result, i am typing this at work right now. but it's i'm pretty sure it's ok, because my boss Paul just told me a 20 minute story about the sweater his german wife knit for him.

Now, let me tell you about my weekend.
While Carrie spent her valentines day in paris with questionably gendered 35 year olds and went to bed with a bottle of wine and an ambien, i had a slightly less romantic day (how could it not be? did i mention she met said middle aged trannies at a club?)

First, i drank a laxative. it was red, so i felt pretty satisfied with how how well it fit the theme of the day.
then i went to school. which was DESERTED because everyone was in their rooms either
a.) suckin and fuckin or b.) crying and sighin.
i on the other hand was writin and shittin (i know, it doesn't work, it was a stretch, i went for it, sue me).
i got a valentine in my school mailbox from "Rihanna" to "Chris Brown" which means someone at this school sees their and my relationship as something comparable to the abusive relationship of two young black popstars. the inside of the card is some sort of under the sea theme and says "you're crazy cool." only my admirer had crossed out the word cool. So-interpretation number 2- someone at this school thinks i'm an abusive r&b artist who writes bad songs but i'm not hip, just totally weird. i also got a lovely heart that said "so ejaculate frequently." This was not from who i first assumed it was, so on top of my girlfriend-beating image, someone out there thinks i need to cum more.

I spent the evening with my two male housemates and a friend. Toby (friend) almost barfed, claire (girl housemate-stoned), rj (boy housemate #1) and i went and got shitty mexican food really far away. there i made an ass of myself by being unable to understand the man behind the counter. but he got me back for it by filling my cheese enchilada with beef.
we returned home, toby had passed out in ryan (boy housemate #2)'s bed. claire went to bed. at 2am ryan and rj went to hang out with their lady friends.

i cleaned up temporary tattoo debris from the living room, then tried reading a little bit (the book was fittingly titled Love in the Ruins) but ended up listening to Cat Power and falling asleep.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
here is a survey:

poll by twiigs.com

If I wrote a book, would you buy it?

I am writing a book about my time abroad. Thus far, these are the chapters I've got. They need to be edited or no one's going to read this shit.

I. It's Raining
II. It's Raining Men
III. It's Not Raining
IV. It's Not Raining Men
V. I Hope Immaculate Conception Is Possible So That I May One Day Have Children
VI. Wait, Fuck Kids ... I Mean, Don't Fuck Kids, That's Illegal
VII. Trying to Quit Smoking and Drinking in France is Kind of Like Trying to Become a Born-Again Virgin in a Whore House But I'm Doing It Anyway
VIII. I Want a Cigarette
IX. I Want Chocolate
X. It's Raining Again
XI. It's Still Raining
XII. I Want a Cigarette
XIII. I Want a Cigarette Very, Very Badly
XIV. I Want to Eat a Pack of Cigarettes
XV. It's Raining, But This Time It's Green Mucus and It's Coming From My Nose and Throat
XVI. I Just Skyped With a 3 Month Old and a 90 Year Old Woman At the Same Time
XVII. Lots More Green Mucus
XVIII. Still Fucking Raining
XIX. Still Fucking Want a Cigarette Very, Very Badly
XX. I Miss Marika - Marika Write Me a Book You Dumb Slut
XXI. Rewarding Yourself For Quitting Smoking With a Pack of Cigarettes is Counter-Productive
XXII. Trying to Quit Smoking and Drinking in France is Sort of Like Trying to Become a Born-Again Virgin in a Brothel But I'm Doing It Anyway (Part II)
XXIII. The End.

Winter Bash Behavior

So Marika, remember those dances that they hold at Tufts twice a year - FALL BALL & WINTER BASH - where everyone gets super fucked up and dances with people they'd be embarrassed to speak to if they were sober? Well, Winter Bash was this weekend. I missed it because I am studying abroad in France and you missed it because you transferred to a school where no one wears polo shirts and where you don't even get graded on your work and where your RAs and professors sell you weed. But anyway, the entire "Tufts Community" (which you're no longer a part of, remember?!?!) was sent this e-mail about Winter Bash. I think everyone was so drunk and pissed off because they were trying to heal the pain of both of us being absent. I bolded my favorite parts and added some notations.

Dear Members of the Tufts Student Body:

As Co-Chairs of the Programming Board here at Tufts, we would like to officially welcome you back to the Hill for second semester. We hope that the events we have organized and are in the process of planning will make your semester enjoyable and memorable.

However, it is with great displeasure that we find ourselves writing to you in regards to last weekend’s Winter Bash. The behavior of certain students has led us to question whether events like Winter Bash can be held again in the future. The excessive level of intoxication (leading to an inflated number of alcohol-related medical emergencies) and the disrespectful and sometimes violent behavior students exhibited towards volunteers and staff was beyond what we could have imagined. We are aware that there were issues with traffic flow and bathroom access and we are working to fix those problems for the future. *HOW SWEET - THANK U PROGRAMMING BOARD* However, as both your peers and those responsible for the organization of not only Winter Bash but also other campus functions, it is imperative that you, our fellow students, recognize your role in ensuring the safety of others and the success of events.

For students to urinate in inappropriate places, verbally and physically harass volunteers, and allow themselves to become intoxicated to the point of inflicting bodily harm is below the standard to which we should hold ourselves as Tufts students. Aside from the evident detrimental effects of excessive alcohol consumption, there were also a high number of alcohol-related transports to area hospitals. So often we are reminded that we are the future leaders of our generation *LOLWTF* and as such it is our responsibility to realize the consequences of our decisions and actions.

As we continue through second semester, we ask for your help. Putting on an event takes considerable time to plan and coordinate, but we enjoy every moment of it knowing we might make the student experience more memorable. Let Winter Bash serve as a learning experience and as a point from which we can move forward. We are hoping that in the future you will make choices that will allow us to continue to do what we enjoy most : offer programs and entertainment to the Tufts student body.

Thank you,
Vanessa White and Ben Moskowitz *JEW ALERT! JEW ALERT! JEW ALERT!*
Programming Board Co-Chairs

As a reminder, Sarah Bliss was one of these students freshman year, when she got so drunk that she called her mom and passed out in a bathroom and woke up in the hospital.

Clam Bake

I want him:

Today I went into work and my boss was still on his lunch break, meaning sitting in his little office eating and talking to some woman with the lights off.  I sat at my desk, and noticed a peculiar smell.  I then realized that it smelled like A VAGINA.  

I think it was his food, although I was momentarily freaked out and self conscious.  It could have been the lady, the scent did lessen significantly when she left.

Regardless of what created this fishy pheromone (ew) Paul, my boss, then came up to me and said that I looked "happy as a clam."  

Now, recently my housemates and I have done our best to work clam-vagina puns into all conversation so Paul's small talk was both an impressive comedic feat and incredibly disturbing.  

In conclusion, thank you Paul, not only do I think about your wife's fake tits and the fact that you have more kids than I have fingers every time I look at you, now on top of that I'll think of vaginas.  Which could turn into thoughts of you with a vagina.  Which could turn into some horrifying fantasy.  Which could ruin me for life.

So fuck you for eating clam vagina for lunch.