with love from san antonio (part three)

11:11 AM Sarah: oh my god this trip my grandparents are so psychotic. last night at dinner my grandfather started giving me this long lecture about good and evil, and then when he thought i was bored by him, he got all pissy and started telling me what god wanted for me

they are going crazy carrie

Sarah: and at one point we started talking about rian and her mom and the fact that they don't really eat meat.

and i dont' really bring that up with my grandparents because they would flip out

Sarah: and my grandfather just starts bashing them and saying they are fruffy and in texas it is basically a sin not to eat meat

11:14 AM Sarah: and then my aunt told us this story about how she went to france and this concierge recommended this restaurant where she ordered a steak and hated it, and she went back and told the concierge and he was like, "oh yeah well americans should never eat steak in france because we dont' use hormones so they aren't are huge as in america" and my aunt got so offended and said, "listen buddy, i am not only from the united states, but i am from texas, and in texas, we grow BIG COWS and have BIG STEAKS and we know our meat."[Editor's note: This = ME NEXT SEMESTER!!!]

me: What would they do if they knew you were a vegetarian

Sarah: i was so horrified

and she has this thick white trash texas accent

11:15 AM

Sarah: it would be such a pain in the ass to deal with, they would say something or start crying every time i lifted my fork

GET READY BITCHES FOR THIS BLOG'S 2009 REINCARNATION!!!

T.G.I.F.

Am I right?  Eh?  Am I right?  Am.  I.  Right?

Things LA has that Portland/Boston(/Philly?) don't

Naked Outerspace Cocaine.  

Attn: Michelle Duggar

There is a woman renting an office at my mom's work who is a vaginal physical therapist.

There is hope for you yet, Carrie "storage-closet muff" Battan. 

the highschool romance i never had

This is an email that my housemate, Shmachel* got from a boy she dated the summer before senior year.  Shmen* was two years older than her, wore only hollister, has been described as a "total dildo" and is now dating a girl who is two years young than Shmachel.  Meaning she's in highschool.  Meaning Shmen had to somehow have met highschoolers in florida where he goes to college.

Shmachel was dating him to rebound from Shmosh*, a sensitive aspiring writer who used to email her lyrics to songs (written in orange.  With some gay, curly font that doesn't exist anymore, that happened to be my total fave when i was 8).  Their song was 'Iris' by The Goo Goo Dolls.  Shmosh recently called Shmachel to say he was "doing great."  He "loves his fraternity."

Shmachel got the last laugh because Shmosh really admired Shmen for his soccer skills.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Without further ado, here is love in it's purest form:

(ok, a little more ado, Shmachel sent Shmen a shirt when he left for college, which is what prompted this email.)

Subject: love!!!!!!

 Ohhhh baby!! I love you soooo much.  You have no clue.  I go the dank ass sweet shirt and the most awsomist crossword puzzle ever today.  Like i said, i could've cried i was so happy.  No one has ever done something like this before, like sending me all this cute stuff that i love and it feels so amazing and special to know that you care about me.  Thank you baby soooo much.  I love you.  And i know i say that maybe too much but it comes from the heart everytime babe.  Man shmachel, you have no idea how much more crazy in love with you you've made me today!!(sorry about the double negative) Shmachel, baby you make me so so happy.  I wish you were here sooo bad and i could give you massages and hug you from behind and kiss you all over your neck and pick you up and grab your hair and look at that perfect smile.  I hope cc and soccer went amazing and i can not even wait to talk to you tonite.  You are the love of my life and i am the luckiest man walking this planet, being with you shmachel.  You are so incredible.  I love you.

Shmenny boi :)

he may be disabled

BUT HE'S STILL BALLLLLLLIN'!

the secrets of my world

"I want a girl to strap it on and fuck me in my innie-penis"

-Ryan Francis Harrington admitting his homosexuality.

minutes later 

"Oh I forgot the butter! Fuck! Now I've just got vanilla milk and no butter..."

then he referenced DaVinci Code.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?* pregnant

*sexist jokes are the ointment that soothes the gaping wound of my built-up resentment toward men, is that also called my vagina? btw marika i found some jizz-b-gone on sale today if you ever wanna clean the stain off your cornea

WHO WAS PHONE?!!?!!?

My friend told me that some girl at his highschool used to get drunk at parties, then get naked and make people go down on her, then would call her mom and say "it happened again" then her mom would pick her up and say "it's ok" then they wouldn't see her for like two weeks.

Which totally puts my "a seventh grader has the herp" and "a girl in simona's class and and the boy she was hooking up with were tired of blowjobs but didn't have any condoms so she told him to put it in her butt" stories to shame.

stoner culture -- holocaust to dignity or The Best Fucking Thing Ever?

420 Girl - Malllory Knots
Age: 20, Height: 5' 6", Weight: 120, Bust: 36D, Waist: 26, Hips: 34, Hair: Brown, Eyes: Lt Brown, Birthplace: Heidelberg, Germany, Residence: Bullshit, MD, Occupation: Bondage Diva/Model/Poet

Please welcome this saucy little 20 year old bondage freak from Maryland, Mallory Knots who says, "Most importantly, I smoke Marijuana to enhance my creativity." and when asked about a 420 fantasy, she replied, "Being tied up, forced to smoke, and then fucked!" Watch Mallory doing bong rips and masturbating, puffing pipes, tying herself up and inserting pyrex.

What is Your Favorite Thing About Marijuana?
No matter where I go I can find somebody else who smokes, I never have a problem scoring some, nor do I have a problem meeting new people while in new places. For me it IS a gateway drug, a gateway to all things interesting and fun, no evil.

Why Do You Think Marijuana Should Be Legal?
Alcohol is legal. Cigarettes are legal. Alcohol destroys the liver, causes drunk-driving accidents/deaths, and in general makes people assholes (not all, but i have met far more "angry drunks" than "happy" ones), and is a primary contributor to date rape. Cigarettes cause cancer, destroy the lungs, are insanely addictive (not unlike crack) and also harm those innocents around you. What does marijuana do? Well, all the things I just said above, plus it makes me frisky *lick lick* mmmm!

What Message Would You Like to Deliver to the Other 420 Girls Who Read This?
Um, smoke the dankest you can find, if you're going to be a stoner, [*SPOILER ALERT* HERE COMES THE KICKER! HERE COMES THE KICKER! HERE COMES THE MOTHER FUCKING KICKER!] do it with class. Oh, and nekkid smoking is always more fun than clothed. *wink*

What Do You Like to Do When High?
Write poetry/lyrics, make beats/write music, paint windows I've ransacked from abandoned buildings, socialize, see live music, FOREPLAY...

What is Your Wildest 420 Fantasy?
Being tied up, forced to smoke, and then fucked/face-fucked. Bondage + erotic play + marijuana = a very fuckin happy me!

Marika, when you saw this picture, was your first thought, "Ooooh, I want that leopard print lighter" Cuz I know it was mine

i should've been finishing the ten million essays i have to write...

My housemates and I just watched the screech sex tape (with liberal fast-forewording) and I can safely say that at this moment I never want to have sex again.

My Housemate summed up our general feeling by saying that immediately after watching "The D-man" (as Dustin Diamond repeatedly calls himself) he had to look at his penis (because he showered) and now he hates himself.

Screech talks about food for 90% of the film.

academia's parting gift to me

“I pour the stuff to start sons and daughters fit for these States/I press with slow rude muscle/I brace myself effectually/I listen to no entreaties/I dare not withdraw till I deposit what has so long accumulated within me” (C)1856

Walt Whitman's flow is nasty -- new favorite rapper, he's bragging about his own jizz in case you didn't get the memo. Who is qualified to spit this verse and over what beat

later: after some thought, I have decided that were I to get a tattoo it would definitely be a line from the aforementioned Whitman poem. either "I pour the stuff to start sons and daughters fit for these States" or "They are not one jot less than I am". maybe both.

TO WIT: NEW HEIGHTS OF DELIRIUM

^THAT IS HOW I FEEL.

PLEASE END THE WAR. STOP THE BOMBINGS TO MY BRAIN, MY INTEGRITY, MY SELF-ESTEEM, MY FAITH IN HUMANITY, MY DESIRE TO LIVE. CEASE THE ATTACKS ON MY SANITY BEFORE I STRAP A BOMB TO MY SHOE AND GLEEFULLY STROLL THROUGH A CROWDED WAL-MART. TERRORIST JOKES NOT FUNNY YET? NEITHER ARE YOU SO S MY D, IT'S BEEN SEVEN YEARS SINCE 2001 AND IT'S BEEN SINCE SEVEN YEARS SINCE I STOPPED CARING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON SEPTEMBER 11TH. I FAKE CRIED WHEN I WATCHED THE NEWS THAT DAY. MY PARENTS KNEW I WAS FAKING IT BUT THEY DIDN'T CALL MY BLUFF, PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY COULD RELATE. I WAS PRAYING FOR SCHOOL TO BE CANCELLED ON SEPTEMBER 12TH, OR BETTER YET FOR THE TERRORISTS TO ATTACK AGAIN AND MAYBE SCHOOL WOULD BE CANCELLED FOR THE REST OF THE MARKING PERIOD. THEY DIDN'T AND IT WASN'T. MAYBE AL-QAEDA AND OUR SUPERINTENDENT WERE AS AMBIVALENT AS I WAS. KNOCK KNOCK, WHO'S THERE? SEPTEMBER 11TH. SEPTEMBER 11TH WHO? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET. THINK POSITIVELY HERE PEOPLE, AT LEAST NOW WE HAVE A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE EXCUSE TO KILL A SHITTON OF ARABS, MY PRESIDENT TOLD ME. MAYBE GEORGE W. BUSH WILL GIVE ME A PARDON IF I DON'T WRITE THIS PAPER ALTHO I DOUBT MY PROFESSOR WOULD ACCEPT ANYTHING FROM HIM AS LEGAL ACADEMIC TENDER BECAUSE IF SHE HAD A BLOGSPOT IT WOULD BE COMMUNISTCUNT.BLOGSPOT.COM, ALLITERATION BITCHES I LEARNED IT IN MY ENGLISH CLASS. THIS ASSIGNMENT IS THE SEPTEMBER 11TH OF THE AMERICA OF MY LIFE. SPEND MONEY, THAT'S ALL I WANNA DO RIGHT NOW. AND IN THIS ECONOMY THAT IS FAR MORE PATRIOTIC THAN LISTENING TO BONO, AN IRISHMAN, JERK HIMSELF OFF ON A 9/11 TRIBUTE ALBUM.

THE MUTUAL EXCLUSIVITY OF BEING THIN AND EATING LOTS OF PIZZA IS PROOF ALONE THAT GOD DOES NOT EXIST.

Seasonal S & M

Our house has cable that we don't pay for (not as badass as it sounds, our landlord foursome is giving us some weird internet deal, but i DO have a rebellious cable-thieving past thanks to Nick Zappas' wiring talents) and the TV (we also didn't pay for, because my older sister's hairy Indian friend who coined the term "anal apple" left it here for us) has become our kryptonite (probably because I don't think any of us have cable at our real homes, so we can finally have normal childhoods and stay up and watch MTV like the cool kids at school).

ANYWAY, since our daily 10pm viewings of America's Funniest Home Videos have ceased (we're still mad about the schedule change, channel 9) nothing has really stepped up to fulfill the very dark hole the lack of AFV (and ANTM) has left in my heart.  

But that has changed today.

"Holiday in Handcuffs" Starring Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Heart is the story of Trudie, a waitress who has a lot of pressure from her parents to bring home a boyfriend, but her boyfriend dumps her because she's a loser, then she goes crazy and kidnaps David from her restaurant.

KILLER LINES THUS FAR:

Trudie's father on how she hadn't brought home a boy before, and he thought she was a lesbian:

"We were worried she may be more into 'innies' than 'outies' if you know what I mean"

Trudie's grandmother entering the house: "My ta-tas are freezing!"

Pervy old man at the gas station who gave Trudie furry handcuffs when he saw david blindfolded and tied up in her car, responding to David after David tries to explain that he was kidnapped: "And she tied you up?  And she spanked you?  And you were bad?" (while thrusting his pelvis, licking his lips and doing spanking motions)

Trudie: "Being a Democrat is not a cause, daaad"

Trudie's mom on Trudie being a loser as a kid: "We even paid a little boy down the street to be her friend, but he gave us our money back."

Rachel just turned the TV off.  I'll never know how it ends.  But I'll always have my fantasies, and she definitely CANNOT turn those off, no matter how hard she tries...thoughts of Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez' bunkbed captor/captive nighttime tensions will keep me sizzling through this long long Portland winter (IT'S SNOWING HERE).

all i want for christmas (/hanukkah!!)

is to find this boy and keep him in my closet for times when I feel like the world and the people in it are worthless.

and to finish these fucking papers about old people deformed babies and vietnam that are depressing because they are no where NEAR as fun as writing about old people, killing deformed babies and 'nam should be.

god damn it, the world is failing me, and I need Ronald (this boy's name apparently) to tell me everything is ok.

ps carrie showed me her titz over gchat today.

with love from san antonio (part two)

Sarah: i have to show you this guy that my dad befriended

he lives across our alley

he is like... one of the gayest people i have ever met in my life

and he is married with a child

and he is so gay

me: is he cute?

1:43 AM Sarah: he friended me on facebook before i even met him and sent me this

OMG you are as funny as your...arents say you are.
We love your mom and dad. Cristina, Eva and I live behind your fam on Garraty, well one over. We are not Psycho psych guy, we are just psycho! Can't wait to meet you soon. The Salmon's

1:44 AM and let me show you his pictuer

he has frosted tips

and when he came over when i was home, he kept saying lolz out loud

1:46 AM like, all of my dads friends are like really down to earth and they are all bros

and this guy is just a freak

me: holy fuck

that is amazing

Sarah: oh this one is equally good

SO GAY

1:47 AM and his wife always accuses him of being gay apparently

if i met him on the street, i would have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he was gay

1:48 AM Sarah: i mean, i'm not trying to say i hate gay people, i love gay people. it was just the whole message before we met, friending on facebook, the lolz and frosted tips, and he also kept like trying to have gossip time with me or something while his family was over, and kept being like, "do does your dad get on your nerves like a LOT A LOT A LOT"
:51 AM Sarah: OH YEAH

he runs a 3D baby sonagram center

things portland has that boston doesn't

1.  gays

2.  Marika

3.  compost piles

4.  people who don't shave

5.  sun (sometimes...)

6.  higher percentage of tight pants hipster boys per square foot

7.  words pronounced properly with the letter 'r', like retaRd

8.  bougie beer breweries.

9.  no sales tax

10.  bridges

11.  the bins- goodwill's warehouse type place where basically all shitty goodwill store rejects are placed in massive bins and sold by people with down syndrome/middle aged men/young women who talk about their kids, by the pound to ravenous old women, kids wearing latex gloves, pedophiles, poor people and drug addicts.  and reed college students.

12.  meth addicts

13.  trees

14.  bike paths

15.  a baseball team that doesn't blow and have assholes for fans (meaning pretending seattle's lame baseball team is ours is better than all the fucktards in red sox hats/getting 60 million dollars a year for being a douchey red sox player)

16.  a bus system that makes sense

17.  at least  7 different public access channels.

18.  ads (almost) solely for phone "dating," "chatting," "romance," and "fun" services featuring girls with lisps lying on their beds talking on the phone and smiling at the camera from 8pm on.

19.  a lot of strip clubs, including one with an amputee, one with transgender strippers, and one attached to a mexican restaurant.

20.  dignity.

juice? no thanks, i'm not thirsty

Once it was the beginning of freshman year and Marika and I got invited to this random dorm room in Metcalf where there was a "party" going on, which meant eight awkward kids were standing around drinking cranberry juice mixed with the dregs of a bottle of nasty rum out of stolen dining hall mugs, but the host really got it bumping by turning on a strobe light and some Dead Prez/Eminem/Dr. Dre playlist. I think there was a giant FUCK BUSH poster on the wall.

ANYWAY, someone introduced himself to Marika as "Gabe" and she was like, "Oh, Gabe Frumkin, right? I've seen your Facebook profile and you know what's funny? My mom went to her high school prom with a guy named Arthur Frumkin, and so I've been wondering since the summer, are you related to Arthur Frumkin?" or something like that. He wasn't, and everyone who overheard the conversation was nervously laughing and looking at Marika with a certain level of fear. I think that's the moment when I thought to myself, "Yo, I can roll with this chick."

Marika, if this story embarrasses you, I will remove it.

something else:

sexiest jokes 0 Yesterday, 5:06 PM EST by dicincider Thread started: Yesterday, 5:06 PM EST Watch Q why do women fake orgasims? A cause they think we give a shit! 1 out of 2 found this valuable. Do you find this valuable? Do you? Keyword tags: None

	bleedin bitch's	0	Yesterday, 5:02 PM EST by dicincider
		Thread started: Yesterday, 5:02 PM EST Watch Q Why do women bleed 4 a week straight every month? A Cause they fuckin deserve it! lol 1 out of 1 found this valuable. Do you find this valuable? Do you? Keyword tags: None

i like that it say we're 'team members'

I just watched this and it made me think of you...mostly because of the amount of times he says "vagina."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvjDr8KKtsE&feature=channel

NOTHING EXCITING IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE.  my landlord (Ken, of the couple Ken and Nancy who live in Boise, Idaho, and are co-landlords and possibly complicated swinger sex partners with Pam and Chris who live on the Oregon coast) came today to turn off some pipe or something so it doesn't freeze.  and i answered the door in my unitard, camp funtime sweatshirt and pigtails probably looking crazed because i was in the middle of the stupidest final i've ever taken (THE QUESTION WAS "HOW AND WHY DID BARACK OBAMA WIN?" and there were instructions like "don't use additional sources, and don't use the articles we've provided, but use sociological materials for theories" and it made no sense" and i had gotten up at 7am so that i could finish this final in time and was drinking reheated coffee that i'd bought the night before to have in the morning which was a genius idea but gross, and over the course of like a week i've eaten a crate of about 35 satsumas, and i had to walk Ken down to the water heater, which is in the laundry room, which is essentially part of my room because only a curtain separates the two rooms and then hurried out.  

the end.

...so that's the most exciting thing that has happened to me today.  simona invited me to a cool 10th grade dj/blogger/her EX-BF AND A BOY SHE HAD A CRUSH IN IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL hosted event that's happenign two days after i get home.

coverage of that will CERTAINLY appear on here.

hopefully i get laid.  or at least get to rock some eighth grader's world by giving him an awesome handj in the girls bathroom/my parents' prius/the tenth grade hipster moshpit.

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!!!!!

check the sexpiration date b4 u try

life lessons

when bob marley had sex he would ejaculate this weird hotsauce/bbq mixture, they pasteurized and bottled it up for years and now it's finally on the market and being sold in stores in kingston, jamaica where i plan to retire -- i guess that's why all the girlies loved giving him blow-js but never wanted 2 Fuk raw (i mean it's just a rumor, don't believe everything you read)

someone went out through the wrong door at the library and set off the emergency exit alarm, and all the studyin' fools got PISSED because the loud beeping didn't stop for like 10 minutes. then i got cocky and wanted to pee and strutted out the same door and set the alarm off my damn self and now i don't have friends, life sucks sometimes

once when i was about 15 and my dad still liked me because he hadn't yet become addicted to reading reviews of books and electronics on the Internet, he asked me if i'd rather be ugly and brilliant or beautiful and dumb and i got a weird feeling like i was in the matrix and he was laurence fishburn and was about to tell me i had to choose the blue pill or the red one and that my life was about to change forever

if your boyfriend buys you a refrigerator for your birthday you should probably dump him, scratch that you should definitely dump him - true story (2/22/08) - unless he's $loaded$ and funny enough to be buying you a refrigerator ironically because you're too fat and/or too skinny

with love from san antonio (part one)

sarah bliss's family amazes and excites me on near-constant basis

from mark bliss's fbook:

Mark is very happy his daughter is home for the weekend. 5:59pm

- 3 Comments

Niles Chumney at 6:00pm November 28

She's going out on a hot date and will come home drunk at 4 AM....

Mark Bliss at 11:56am November 29

Stop basing all of your hunches on your daughter's behavior Niles.....
Happy Holidays

Niles Chumney at 3:24pm November 29

You know better than anyone that chicks in diapers are no fun to go out with. I hope you're having a nice holiday with the whole family. Please tell everyone hello. xo

Which one is Carrie????

straight from my brain

things that came into my head today that I thought were funny and/or intelligent but probably aren't

q: what's the difference between a boxing ring and a wedding ring
a: I can only beat the shit out of my wife for two minutes at a time while she's inside a boxing ring

if you're a dude and you've always wondered what sexual intercourse feels like for a woman, it's kinda similar to the satisfaction gleaned from cleaning your ears out with a q-tip except your ear canal is oversized and it's between your legs and the q-tip is (usually) commensurately oversized and is protruding from another person and hopefully there's no wax involved lest you be a kinky muhfucka

when harry left marika

this some REAL poignant iChat shit right here

H: how are you?

M: good, you?
H: alright, breaks kinda boring, it'll be nice to get back
M: yeah, i definitely agree
H: I don't think we're gonna be able to grab coffee, I'm only here for another day or two.
H: some things just aren't meant to be, I guess
M: oh well. another time. you go back really soon, huh
H: yes, tuesday
M: hmmmm
H: since I've been here, I've made some peace and tied up a few loose ends. I don't know that we're ever gonna be able to be anything other than what we were. It'd take too much effort, and there's too much baggage left over.
M: um ok. i'm not really sure what your tying up loose ends has to do with that, and if you feel like it would be a lot of effort, then i guess that's fine. i've said before, i'm up for anything, and ready, so it's kind of in your court.
H: being back in LA without you was weird at first, but I'm finding my groove
H: I just felt like I needed to let you know before I went off into the night, sorta speak
H: I wish you the best, and hope you've found a place for yourself at college
M: that's good, yeah i agree. especially since this summer was constantly us seeing eachother. i still feel like your saying goodbye like this is weird, but if that's really what you want, then that's fine.
H: look, I don't ever think I'm going to be able to not have feelings for you. [Editor's Note: Can you find out if this is true and whether or not he still has feelings for you?] I've made my peace with that.
M: ok.
M: well i'm glad you've made your peace
M: so um enjoy life? perhaps will have other run-ins? have a good rest of break, mr. rimalower.

[Other Editor's Note (FROM MARIKA)- Please read my response to this, so that I can be a little less ashamed and 'rest easy'...although this pathetic plea kind of just makes me more embarrassing...I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD EDIT YOUR POSTS, CARRIE, HOW COOL!!!!!1!!!]

Wet Nudez!!!

I was leaving the library to go home, and really had to pee.  I decided (mostly because I am wearing a pantsuit AND buttoned up sweater AND jacket and scarf) to hold out and pee when I got home (my bike would aid in holding my bladder...or I would wet my pants and stay warm on the way home).

But, when I got outside the library, there was a...performance piece that I had forgotten was going on.

So I stayed.  This is what it was:

Girl with giant antlers and red splotched whit thing over her head pacing deliberately standing on grass between two long lines of wet paper towels (?).

Blew into shofar-like horn.

Girl (who is in my lower body abs PE class-holla!!) walks down one line, boy down other.  Tey approach a bathtub full of goldfish, strip, tie weird fabric and fur things on each other's eyes, then bigger versions of those things with little mirrors on them on their stomachs, then step into bathtub.

Displaced water comes out.

Do that for a while.

Step out on other side, put towels (from the gym) around each others' waists.  Horn girl walks foreword blows a bunch.

they walk back down their lines.

Horn girl goes and picks up their clothes.

Then everybody standing around went andl ooked at the goldfish, and some people took some.

The End.

then I rushed home and peed.

HOE-locaust XXX

Apparently the world is not ready for honesty, and this gem of a Yahoo! question was deleted.  Here is a paraphrase: I'm Jewish, my girlfriend is German, whenever I think about that while we're having sex I orgasm.  Why is this, I hope it's not why I think, then I'd be really sick.  To which everyone responded "wut do u think it is?" and "i dont even get it, but lol thats weird"

....my mom is jewish, my dad isn't.

FOREVER

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080526202144AABQ5ai

(I don't have my shit together so I can't post as eloquently or witty or often or perfectly or frequently, etc... as Carrie has been.  I'll let this girl speak for me.)

medical advice i can follow

"Maybe now's not the best time for you to try to quit smoking."
-my psychiatrist

WAAT

Who's Domhoff and why is Kjersten "I have a stick up my ass- Oh, guys, my classes better eat all this chocolate, I can't take it home- Hey guys, this is your conference, you need to talk and take soemthing from it and make it worth it- Bite me" Whittington referring to him on the final when the syllabus says nothing about us havign read a mysterious 'Domhoff' [DOMEhoff] and I googled him and FUCK he seems to have to do with sociology shit that I SHOULD know about?!

AND WHY THE FUCK DOES SOC EVEN MATTER WHEN YOU CAN'T CONCLUDE ANYTHING FROM IT?  ACCEPT THAT OUR SOCIETY BLOWS, WHICH WE ALREADY KNEW.

(I chose a black baby because sociology likes race n shit)

also, I sent this in email form to R. Gardner.  I eagerly await her response as she is studious and I am borderline mentally disabled.

I have a 20 page paper due in 3 hours

"Number nine shoulda been number one to me
If you ain't gettin' bagged stay the fuck from police (uh-huh)
If niggaz think you snitchin' ain't tryna listen
They be sittin' in ya kitchen, waitin' to start hittin'"
Biggie Smalls

Were my lovely coworker part of the game she'd have been shot to shit by some crack king's muscle by now. I showed up to work 15 minutes late today (mind you my shift starts at 7:45 am and it's fucking 10 degrees outside and the library opens at 8:00 am) and I said, "Elena, I'm really, really sorry for being so late." She rolled her eyes at me and huffed and puffed and blew my house down and was all pissy like I'M A DUMB CUNT AND DID EVERYTHING ALREADY BLAH BLAH BLAH MY MIDDLE NAME IS UPTIGHT AND I'M A MATH MAJOR AND I DIDN'T GET INTO COLUMBIA AND I'M ONLY TAKING THREE CLASSES AND I'M A REALLY GOOD BALLROOM DANCER YOU CAN TELL FROM ALL THE TROPHIES I'VE WON BLAH BLAH BLAH AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY COLLEGE STUDENTS FEEL THE NEED TO DRINK I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I tried to lighten the mood by being like, "wow Elena, you are brave for going out in this weather with wet hair." Taking showers on a semi-regular basis might be the only thing I have in common with her so it was easy to pick a topic of conversation. But apparently that comment helped to lodge the stick even further up her ass and gave her an easy opening to spit some of her lame-ass attitude at me because she was like, "Well, I didn't have time to dry my hair, because I was running late and wanted to be on time." I ceased communication with her at this point.

My boss showed up (she was also at least 10 minutes late, but of course since she drives a car and is a single parent she has an incontestable scapegoat for her persistent failure to be punctual) and she and Elena began a series of hushed conversations in my boss's office about how I was late. I got called into my boss's office and was reminded of how important it is to be on time. Now Elena is back in the boss's office and this time the door is closed so I can't hear anything. I think Elena is trying to teach my boss how to make a Word document double-spaced.

funny thing is that dumb bitch was 25 minutes late the other week and I told my boss she was outside collecting the newspapers so she wouldn't get yelled at, ya know, karma will repay me in some other form or fashion or in my next life or something right

And Why is she STILL Doing Work in the Library?

Carrie got laid last night.

81 minutes until the main part of Tisch closes

"seriously, if you look at my phone and go to the text messages, it's like 'inbox: 20' and 'outbox: 3,000'"

-Marika

Phil(ly) Him Up

"i waited until i was on the toilet to text you back."

From Carrie, who has to rub it in my face

12/1/08

LA's finest

"I just say a girl that kind of looked like you and almost shit myself. Which would've been great because I haven't shit in DAYS. But it wasn't you and i didn't shit my pants so life sucks"
From: Marika
6:08pm 12/1/08