Baking Soda

some highschooler I know wrote "sen10rs" and I think it's cool.RESOLUTIONS

1. Hygiene
2. Baby
3. Graduate
4. Continence
5. Retainers
6. Marriage
7. Job
8. Lottery
9. Diamonds
10. Maybe engage in serious fucking conduct for once in your life, you fucking girlchild fuck-up of an adult.

FLEXIRIL LIVE BLOG

Hey guys, I am totally liveblogging my experience on muscle relaxers.

1:35 am nothing happening

1:36 am still nothing happening but when i think about my feet there is a slim chance they might feel slightly more tingly than usual

1:39 am cool muscle relaxers, you're good for jack shit in my life

1:41 am YO I'M TRYNA GET FUNKY

1:41 am totally just texted my boss "YO I'M TRYNA GET FUNKY"

1:42 am no response so i texted her "why do you hate me"

whatever.

Bye-bye possible boyfriends!!

Dear Blog-world,
I am writing this from the floor of the living room in my sister's apartment.
It is 11:46pm, Pacific Standard time.
It is Wednesday, the magical 14 minutes before Christmas Eve.

I just peed behind my sister's apartment.*

It was an act of rebellion, conscientiousness, boredom, and avoidance of less desired situations.
But I was semi-caught.
So, if you're reading this, liv, I didn't get a call. I was just pissing in your backyard.

*If you would like a detailed explanation of events, please refer to the comments; if you like a little mystery, don't.

Famous Trios

Watch out for middle child syndrome. It is no a joke.

(after that LaTavia Robertson got replaced by Farrah Franklin (but that bitch got dropped after five months), and after LeToya Luckett was replaced by Michelle Williams. But this all gets ruined in 2000, when Miss Diva Beyonce went solo. So fuck this, they were a trio for like two months)

(I apologize for this last one...it was just too weird/perfect not to)

"Do you know/what it feels like/in this world/for a girl?" - Madonna

Hey guys, I was really bored and made my 2010 New Year's Resolutions List way early!

In 2010, I resolve to stop video chatting in public places. It's going to be hard, because I don't have my own bedroom or a phone or anything, but I'll just keep reminding myself that everyone hates me for it and that my friend from home who I video chat with stopped being interesting when she contracted down's syndrome earlier this semester. Also my MacBook makes me look fat.

In 2010, I resolve to spend at least 10 minutes away from my boyfriend, because I've been holding this feces in my bowels for about 3 months, 8 days and 6 hours (happy 3 months, 8 days and 6 hours, babe) and it's starting to get really painful. And I would just DIE if he knew that my asshole existed for purposes besides sticking his finger in it when he's drunk and then telling me that he's "kidding, sort of" and then refusing to go down on me and then ordering a buffalo chicken calzone from Pizza Days using my Dining Dollars. And then not washing his hands before he eats it. And then telling me that my roommate "looks kinda good since she got rid of that muffin top" and mumbling something about a threesome. God, yeah, can't let him know that I poop, or else he'll dump me and I'll start video chatting in public places again.

In 2010, I resolve to learn the difference between leggings and pants, because sometimes when I'm in a store and I hold up an article of clothing that's designed to cover my legs and costs between 30 and 70 dollars, I stand there for so long just thinking, "These are either REALLY REALLY cheap pants or sort of expensive leggings and I don't know what to do. Leggings. PAAANTS. Definitely pants. No, leggings. Oh fuck it, I'll just buy them and figure it out later!" Talk about a time suck.

In 2010, I resolve to stop doing projects for my anthropology courses that are centered around questions like, "Graffiti: Crime or ART?" because I feel like when I try and get all creative and do something new for a change it just ends up backfiring on me and I wind up with a B minus. So yeah, I'm going to stop trying so fucking hard to be different all the time in 2010.

Making all these sacrifices and and self improvements would suck so hard if I didn't have other stuff going for me, like my boyfriend, or the 15 pounds I've been able to lose by maniacally browsing through Facebook pictures of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who used to be skinnier than me but isn't anymore. 2010 Beware: Here. I. Come.

Christmas is my haaapppppyyy place!