Save me, I'm drowning!

I have a baby crush on one of the lifeguards at Camp Tunfime**
The problem is, his name is Albert. And, in all seriousness, I can never, ever imagine myself having any sort of relationship or relations with a boy named Albert.
Something must be done.

Meanwhile...
From the cyber desk of Simona R. Zappas:
"will you ever update your blog? some of your devoted followers are curious about what has happened in your life."

Hi Simona,
yes. we will.
love,
marika

ps carrie got some retarded tattoo yesterday. if she cares about anyone (including me) she'll write about it. and let you all know if i mean retarded as in developmentally delayed (=really, really dumb) or retarded as in ReTaRdEd (=mad dank).

**name changed to protect my job.

I go to the same restaurants as John Stamos

Two gay boys told me how cute they thought my outfit was multiple times today. And let me tell you, it was a tight, high-wasted risk, so that was quite a feat.

My dad informed me that he has started trying to catch our dog's poop (with a bag, although give it time, he'll "green" this process somehow, and eliminate the bag, I am sure). However, Doe does not like this, and when he tried, she stopped and ran away.

There is a folder next to me on my bed labelled "BREAST FEEDING." It is full of cut out pictures of squirrels. I'm not going to explain myself, because it is better like that.
There's also a cutout of a "Squirrel X-ing" sign in there.

I just got out of the shower, and there is an inexplicable snot-like beady strand of a substance across my computer, onto a pair of leggings on my bed, down onto the floor next to my bed. I do not know what it is. I do not know if it came out of the shower with me, was there before I left, or appeared while I was showering.
Possibilities:

• dog snot
• shampoo
• animal saliva
• vaginal discharge
• brain fluid
• soap
  
• baby oil
• bird projectile clear bile vomit
• other

I'm crossing my fingers it's number one. That seems like the most harmless.

Tomorrow is father's day. Prepare yourselves for wonder.
I'll write about India when I finish unpacking from it...so give me a good week or two.

Okay. So I'm going to write the very first serious post that has ever been posted on this blog because that's just the mood I'm in. I'm going back to the USA in a few days and before I turn over a new and even more excruciatingly vulgar leaf a propos of this blog, I am going to post an introspective list of what I think I know. I might delete this l8r and replace it with a picture of b00bs.

RULES I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD TRY TO LIVE BY.
by Carrie Battan

Things are never as good as you think they're gonna be.
Things are never as bad as you think they're gonna be.
Things are almost always mediocre.
If you're debating whether or not to say something to someone, and if saying something to someone seems instantly gratifying, DON'T SAY IT. If you think something is borderline funny but you're not sure, DON'T SAY IT.
Trust your own opinions before you trust anyone else's, unless you're stupid. Pick out the people whose opinions you value and let them give you advice. Don't ever take advice from people you don't even respect, or people who you'd never wanna trade lives with.
People usually forgive easily.
Even if you know you weren't wrong, just say sorry as sincerely as possible cuz it's the easiest way to resolve a problem. If sorry is the first thing to come out of your mouth, people are gonna forgive you 99% of the time.
Just cuz something seems "hard" and like it's going to "take a lot of work" doesn't mean you're going to be a "better person" afterward. What doesn't kill you can usually make you weaker.
When you find yourself bitching about something, you almost always make things out to sound worse than they are, so when you listen to someone bitch about something, have sympathy but keep in mind they are probably exaggerating x2 or x3.
People will always like you if you compliment them. So compliment people, even if it's sort of fake. But not too much or they'll think you're desperate and weird.
Turn off the lights the first 5 times you have sex with someone.
TV characters are usually more relatable than your real friends.
Always wait at least 30 seconds before replying when someone gchats you.
Someone has probably called you ugly, or fat, or mean, or stupid behind your back within the last 12 hours and they probably didn't really mean it. Shittalk is actually never a reflection of people's true feelings. All publicity is good publicity, so take it as a compliment when someone shittalks you. Shittalk is the highest form of flattery. Start rumors about yourself.
If you feel like you have to "make an effort" to sustain a good friendship with someone, it's not worth it. Just stop talking to them.
Just cuz he has big hands and feet doesn't mean he's got...


Battan-

Hvnt sn indn dick yet. Will wrte asap when Punjabi cock is revealed.

Lv nd ksses
Marika


FIN.

I Still Exist

Things that have happened:

1.  I came home on a cranky flight, and the first thing my younger sister ambushed me about not updating the blog.  So I'm updating the blog.  EAT A DICK, ZAPPAS.  I KNOW YOU'RE GOOD AT IT.  Yes, I am wrote that in last name third person.

2.  I noticed this: text message counter, May 10, 2009, reads: 203 messages sent, in 207 parts, 211 messages received in 211 parts.  ARE YOU SEEING THIS?! and how it's not like this.  I thought this was something I should jump on, and that it wouldn't last for long, but then, LO AND BEHOLD, text message counter, May 16, 2009: 219 messages sent in 223 parts, 228 messages received in 228 parts.  OH.  MY.  GOD.  madness.

just madness.

3.  i'm going to india tomorrow

4.  i'm taking about 45 benadryl in the next 30 hours.

5.  i packed a lot of linen.

NEXT TIME I WRITE I'LL BE HYPED/HOPPED UP ON ALL KINDS OF MALARIA PILLS.

love and kisses,

marika

ps if you want to see WHY i'm going to india click here.

mama's gon' git pregnant.

Oh, Family! Oh, it's a Circus!!

My older sister graduated from a well-respected, very difficult, very expensive small liberal arts college last year; which means in the past 11 months she has
1) gotten a job teaching after school art classes to fifth graders
2) quit said job
3) taken a swahili class
4) dropped said class
5) gotten really into rooibos tea and organic shit
6) lounged around in my little sister's old purple ugg boots and a romper and waited for the mail
7) signed up for some weird website that's like facebook but about book-books
8) sat around drinking beer while her still in college boyfriend makes her dinner
9) sent me a link to a nietzche family circus random generator.

Here are some highlights (along with some translation):Jeffy comes out to Dad. It is unclear whether dad a) accepts gay Jeffy and encourages him to "overcome" men, or b) is calling Jeffy a Fag*

Jeffy defends his behavior at the Family reunion...and prepares to defend it further at the sexual harassment hearing.
Jeffy tells mom what happened at Sunday school.
Girl-Jeffy figures out (and embraces) all that she's good for.

Jeffy gets caught masturbating.
Jeffy refuses to acknowledge his massive concrete stool problem, and Dad has to roll up his pants and deal with it.**

Dad tells mom to stop slutting around.

As you can see, little Jeffy (the one who always cries) is not in any of these...the final cartoon should explain why he's not featured as frequently as first Jeffy and girl Jeffy.
and why he's always crying.

Family Circus is known to be a representation of creator Bill Keane's life.

*editor's note: I don't use this language, I only translate, so, please, direct any upset at Bill Keane and/or Friedrich Nietzche. I am only the messenger, I claim to be nothing more.

**a certain arika-may's parents may or may not have faced a task similar to that of Jeffy's when arika-may was eight... ick-nay and atty-pay took forks to it.