black people can dance to anything

Because I have homework, I made these, ripping off many in the process & using 2 of my favorite dance sequences, proving that any black person can dance to any song better than any white person can do anything.

I DON'T DISS, I DISMISS

Remember that show Dismissed on MTV? Where some dude takes 2 rando chix on a date and MTV tries to trick you right before the final commercial break by making you think he's gonna choose the other one cuz he's facing a different direction when they preview his dismissal? Like in this picture, he's like, "Yo baby, yo tits is nice and soft, but you kinda look a lil like Princess Diana and I ain't wit that ghostly shit." And then you think he's going to dismiss her and you're like, WTF, HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY DISMISS HER? THE OTHER GIRL IS SUUUCHH A FUGGIN COW! But then he turns to the bitch on the right and he's like, "Baby, you gave me some mean head in the jacuzzi earlier ... (UNBEARABLY LONG & SUSPENSEFUL PAUSE) ... but you look like you fell outta the Miss Piggy tree and hit every damn branch on the way down. You's dismissed, biaaatch." Then he starts cracking up and Princess Di smiles a lot and they start making out and get back in the jacuzzi, all without saying a word.

So, last night Marika took a nice lil trip to BONE CITY, USA and got 2 fingers way 2 close 2 the anus. Seriously dudes if you touch Marika's butthole you know you're doing it to somehow weirdly compensate for the fact that you're giving her heinous and pointless oral sex.

Cokewood

The only mail I get is from my highschool asking for ca$$$h money.  Recently they decided to get hip and sent an email with a three and a half minute "hilarious video!!" that features the headmaster and celebrities whose kids go to the school telling us to--and here's the kicker-- "NOT give money to Oakwood."  Then they come around and say yes, you SHOULD give money to Oakwood if you care at all about children or the world or the future or the disadvantaged or peace or you reputation or this.

Given that I have been out of school for roughly 3 years, here is a list of the things I would like to spend money on rather than donate to my school (in no particular order): 

Tickets to whatever show they're putting on:

The complete rights to her vagina and any fame or fortune that may come of it:

A Bat Mitzvah:

This Vest:

His virginity:

My way into an all Asian-Gossip-Girl-styled Ivy League:

 

The rights to this product:

These nice ladies some lunch:

Her Child:

A backyard lightrail:

This album:

I have a weight problem - I CAN'T WEIGHT TO EAT LOL

Sarah: hahhh yeah

12:51 AM so i went out with this gay guy tonight who is kind of fat and he hates animal rights and wears a fur hat and he is so snobby

but i guess it was pretty fun

Sarah: he told me "we had so much in common".... i didn't really understand that

When an ugly, greasy 30-something French dude looks at me, I lick my cold sore to highlight it.
When an attractive, unattainable, pretentious 20-something French dude looks at me, I lick my cold sore to hide it. (Actually, this is theoretical - the first part of this sentence has never happened.)

Either way I look like a retard with my tongue hanging out and a huge zit in the left corner of my mouth

Scottsdale, ArizHOna

I'm tired of telling this story, so here it is in rapid bullet-marked form:

• I went to Scottsdale, AZ to see two friends.
• Everything there is adobe.
• Everything.
• It's like if Encino had its own suburb and that suburb wanted to be special so it embraced its Southwestern roots to the extreme
• If you don't know what Encino is, it's this:  
• I stayed in my friend's guesthouse.  Her bijon frise had foot cancer, so now Lola's front right foot looks like a rat's.
• We went to Chandler, the dirty suburb.
• We went to a hardcore show at my other friend's friend Jesse's house.
• Jesse lives with: His brother Randy (who has a kid), some other kid, and that other kid's dad, Randy, who doesn't pay rent.
• Dad Randy was out on a date, but brought his lady friend home.
• Randy got lucky...he walked home in his snake skin boots, and five minutes later he and ladyfriend emerged to smoke.  My kind of man.
• Randy and ladyfriend then enjoyed the keg in the kitchen.  And when the sliding door broke Randy said "Aw, the sliding door broke uhgin!" then touched me when he walked by to fix it
• I haven't showered yet.
• Fast-foreword, the next night i impressed my friend's friends with the 275+ animal tattoos I had brought.
• I said I would only drink gluten if it was a sparks (rip) or a king cobra (SHOUT OUT TO FRESHMAN YEAR).  I got the best of both worlds- My own forty and the last spitty sip of someone's sparks.  Eat your heart out Hannah Montana.  You'll probably only get that if, like me, your only friends are young children and middle aged women.  Also, because I drank backwash, it's kind of like I got kissed- double whammy!!
• I took the tiger eye tattoos and had my friend apply them to my eyelids.
• Discomfort followed
• My logic: rubbing alcohol takes off temporary tattoos --> malt liquor will take 0ff temporary tattoos.
• It didn't
• I scrubbed my eyelids with 1.) Cobra, 2.) Wet paper towels. 3.) Hands, 4.) Ice cubes which I then ate
• The result is above because I don't know how to make it show up here.

The good news: All Cleared Up!!! Thanks derm dad!!

You'll be in my heart, Scottsdale... until next time, Mrs. Marika Randy-future-wife-or-at-least-your-kid's-mom