A blackened carbon brick with barbecue sauce of shame and rage

Have you ever been in the library basement bathroom, and you're squatting over the seat because it's gross and there are no toilet seat covers, though you probably would've squatted anyway, and your urine streams out at an unexpected angle, leading to pee down your leg and into your boot?
I haven't. Yesterday. In the morning. Roughly seven to eight hours before I'm going home.

...NAWWT.

Also, I printed a document yesterday, and some girl took the whole stack of papers from the printer, and I waited, assuming she would find and take her thing and put the rest back. She put back like three half blank pages of something that isn't mine and then walked away. I had to reprint my 20 page article. That's $2. That's a bottle of wine. Or eight cups of hot water. Or one cup of tea plus the fifty cent tip I inevitably leave because it's awkward and I often kind of know the worker, which makes it worse. I hope you enjoy C. Lee Harrington and Denise D. Bielby's Global Television Distribution: Implications of TV "Traveling" for Viewersm Fans and Texts, shitbag.

Also, I just spilled scalding hot tea on my hand. Right on my recent paper cut (who gets paper cuts?! this is the DIGITAL AGE) scabs.
It hurts.

My life in numb3rs

• Pens I've lost since school began: 4
• Pens that have run out of ink: 1
• Pens bought in the past month: 9
  
• Times I've spilled in the library since 9/18 (2.5 weeks into school): 7--one of which required running to the bathroom for paper towels. Twice.
• Lies I've told today: 6 (approximate)
  
• Times I've had sex: 3
• Times I've heard my housemates have sex: 1
• Times I've sat in the living room in my towel fresh out of the shower, waiting for my housemate to finish having sex: 1
• Times I've almost hit a cat on my bike: 1
• Money I have spent: $4 bajillion dollars
• Cheap vodka I have drank: upwards of a handle
• Bottles of wine I have drank: 3-4+
• Papers I've written: 1 "response paper", 1 thesis proposal, 100 love notes
• Times I've vacuumed: 0
• Days deodorant has stung on my left armpit because I cut it while shaving: 2.5
• Times I've talked to Carrie on gchat about dicks: at least 4
• Hours at work I've spent only doing homework/not my job: 3
• Shits I've taken: surprisingly regular amount
• follow-up--Laxatives I've taken: 0 (!!!!!)
• Non-rent related emails I've gotten from Sweaty Chris, the landlord: 2
• Cups broken in my home: at least 4-5
• Hearts broken in my home: at least 4-5
• Wrists slit in my home: 3
  
• Skulls broken in my home: at least 4-5
  
• Cups of cold tea I've drunk: infinity
• Number of pairs of underwear my mom has sent me that it turns out she actually bought for herself: 1
• Number of minutes I stared at the underwear wondering in the purple blotches on it were stains or intentional: 20
• Humans under age 10 that were at the party I went to on Saturday: 3
• Days until my 21st birthday: 31
• Days until a nervous breakdown: 6
• Times I've had my period this month: 2 (?!?!)
• Greatest parts of the week: Mon/Wed 6:10-7:30pm
• Schedule of my class with Dejan, balding croation profe[dreamboat]ssor: Mon/Wed 6:10-7:30pm
• Days its rained: like 1? 1.5 tops.
• Number of people who have poured their hearts/personal lives out to me unexpectedly: 2
• Number of gay 27-year-old friends I have who got shout-outs in a column in OUT! magazine for being kissed hard against a parking meter: 1
• Number of straight 2o-year-old girls whose name rhymes with Sharika who are jealous of above shout-out: 1
• Hours I could waste coming up with stupid things to say in this post: too many
• Pies I've made: 6
• Hours I've watched of BBC miniseries North and South: 4 [=all]
  
• My thesis desk number: 190
• My mail box number: 1302
• Number of kiwis that my housemate has put in the microwave, without consent: 1

BITE ME.

***ADDENDUM:

• Number of people who will read this: 4-5
• follow up-- Number of people who will read this all the way through: 0-1

ALSO
These numbers represent THIS SCHOOL YEAR. Not my entire life.
I've lost many more pens/spilled more things.
That's basically the only difference.

OKAY

As a general rule, I don't do anything.
I've had teh question "IS YOUR THYROID MAKING YOU FAT" running over and over in my head for about two days.

Wisdom of The East

Things I learned in the royal town/ancient village of Dhrangadhra,
1. I am very sensitive to smells. 1/150,000 scents in India are not unpleasant.
2. Wavy or curly hair makes people question your hygiene.
3. Indians don't get pimples
4. Parachute pants. Will never die.
5. Benchode means sisterfucker in Gujarati.

Save me, I'm drowning!

I have a baby crush on one of the lifeguards at Camp Tunfime**
The problem is, his name is Albert. And, in all seriousness, I can never, ever imagine myself having any sort of relationship or relations with a boy named Albert.
Something must be done.

Meanwhile...
From the cyber desk of Simona R. Zappas:
"will you ever update your blog? some of your devoted followers are curious about what has happened in your life."

Hi Simona,
yes. we will.
love,
marika

ps carrie got some retarded tattoo yesterday. if she cares about anyone (including me) she'll write about it. and let you all know if i mean retarded as in developmentally delayed (=really, really dumb) or retarded as in ReTaRdEd (=mad dank).

**name changed to protect my job.